Divorce

Though I am not at this time pastoring in a physical church, I am still pastoring many people from around the nation who consider me their pastor and who keep in touch with me. Yesterday I had a heartbreaking conversation with a young lady who has been informed by her husband of almost 10 years that he wants a divorce.

She was heartbroken.

Robin and I have both been divorced and know firsthand the anguish and pain involved. There is a reason that God hates divorce and it's because of the mass destruction that it causes across the board.


Nothing is ever the same.

That being said, I take issue when people say that the high divorce rate in our country as well as in the Body of Christ is a problem. The real problem isn't the divorce rate. The real problem is bad marriages. There wouldn't be such a high divorce rate if the Body of Christ was more preemptive and careful in giving out marriage licenses to those who have no idea how to be married.

Think about it for minute. To be able to get a drivers license you have to prove that you are capable of handling a moving vehicle that weighs approximately one or more tons amidst other moving vehicles that weigh the same. The dangers are incalculable, making driving something that should not be done by just anyone. In the same way, to say that we have a national problem with driving accidents is silly. What we have is a national problem of bad drivers who should've never had a drivers license in the
first place.

This applies across almost everything else  in life. To get a license for anything you have to prove proficiency and skill. I can guarantee you the weddings I do in the future will be  much more front-ended, taken much more seriously and more
time given to preparation.

Too much is at stake.

For what it's worth, here are my 3 filters. I used these for hiring employees in the past and will
apply them as well to pre-marriage counseling in the future.

1. CHARACTER.


"Character" is something tossed around a lot but harder to define. The book of James defines it as being tested and approved, having endurance. It means not being an easy quitter. Again I can guarantee you that if a guy has had a hard time holding down a job I will not be signing a marriage license any time soon. Likewise serial daters Who have bounced around from relationship to relationship will have to prove that they can be loyal to one alone. I've heard it said, "When someone shows you their character the first time, believe them." If we just used this filter alone we would knock out 40% of the 60% divorce rate, aka, bad marriage rate.

2. CHEMISTRY.

Yes, chemistry is important. 99% put it as number one over character which is again insane. But let me be clear: chemistry isn't just the butterflies you get when with your lover at the beginning of the
relationship. That's defined as Romantic Love and Romantic Love is only the first stage but unfortunately is all most of us are ever trained to seek. Almost every song you hear and every show or movie you see focuses on that alone, ignoring the other two phases, Realistic Love and then Mature Love.

I define chemistry  more as a true friendship. I always taught my kids that marriage was simply friendship plus sex. You have to truly like and enjoy the person you're with. That is why it is unwise to get physical too soon in dating relationships. A base of friendship and camaraderie has to be built. Do you truly enjoy the other persons personality or do they annoy you? Next time around I can guarantee
you there will be personality test as well as pre-marriage counseling based on this. Too many couples go to the altar too quickly. In the beginning they tolerate the things that annoy them but in time those things become huge boulders and they become strangers living in the same house, roommates at best.

This should not be.

3. COMPETENCE.

As I said before, every other kind of license requires skills and competency. How much more should marriage! I look back in my first marriage and realize how deeply incompetent I was in relationship skills. It makes me sad that I was so ignorant. But unfortunately church life in the years when I was first a Christian were based on having experiences and getting "highs" in the Holy Spirit (all great), but little in the way of actual skill development relationally. The Body of Christ needs a radical orientation change if we're going to see the divorce rate lowered. We have to focus on producing better prepared candidates for marriage from the time they are children. Things like selfishness, bossiness, poutiness, rudeness, self pity… on and on… have to be front-ended when they are young and not allowed to be brought into the marriage covenant. I am already working on a Relationships Class that will be at the core of my next pastorate. As sad as the loss of my first marriage was, it prepared me during the five years of separation/divorce for the fantastic relationship that I am able to enjoy now with Robin. But the skills were learned through much pain. How much better if they are taught and learned without so much loss.

So to summarize?

We need to stop focusing on the divorce rate and instead focus on preparation and taking seriously what it means to be granted a marriage license. I know many couples will pass on me once
they realize that it's not going to be easy to get to the altar with me as the preacher but so be it. Something has got to change and as the old saying goes, let it begin with me.

PB

Comments

[Joann Danforth]

There you go again, stirring up the communities, just like your Seeker to Servant vision. 😆

This is so good, I agree 100%. I too pick things apart before I make a major change or a decision, so why wouldn't there be a movement to change the way it should be allowed to enter into the intimacy of a marriage. The easiest way to facing difficulties in a marriage does seem to be divorce. I think we all should take a look at this seriously, teach our children to use these principles before dating and marraige.
I also believe to turn a troubled marriage around takes courage and commitment, but foremost God. To see young couples in church warms my heart, atleast they have a chance to start off on the right foot.
I realize too there are cases that simply cannot avoid divorce, however, applying your principles from the onset, is a must.
Pastor Bobby, I pray your heart and soul are blessed tenfold, our country needs a good shaking, and who better to start off a great idea.
Steve and I miss you very much and will never forget the ideas you encouraged us to apply in our marriage. Something I found to be true is to have a date nigbt, however, step it up. We both look forward to that night, our silly selfies and dinner. We decided to date all the time, and the power in that along with God, has made passion, intimacy and love flame up to an all time high.
Thank you so much for sharing this concept with everyone. I am sure this will help people be better prepared to make decision that will impact their lives.

Lots of love to you and your beautiful bride.

[Tony]

I have long left the world of organised Christianity. May faith and my relationship with God is real. Father/Other is always here, always close. I understand what you are saying, but the things that seem to define us, Chuch attenedance, marriage, citizenship, are temorary, transient, and changeable. I have found freedom through my losses and trials. Freedom to let go of the illusions of this temporal world, to find peace and joy. Control is an illusion, the harder we seek it, the more in alludes us.
Letting go us the best thing, and the most difficult thing I have ever done.

[Toni Hardin]

There ourselves and we are desperately hanging onto God. Very good insight.

[Michael Carr]

Amen

[Eddie G]

Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes!!