Home

 

Most who know me know that I am an "out of the box" type person. Being that I did not grow up in a Christian environment, my thinking, as well as how I pastored, were very much outside of the box.

Likewise, how God speaks to me has always been very "outside the box".

Late last year after a day of sermon preparation, I left the office and came back home for my normal Thursday evening ritual: Go for a run, take a shower followed by a relaxing hot bath, then fix a nice meal for myself and settle in to watch Netflix. After three years of marital separation I had settled into the routine of living alone.  But as anyone who is single knows, nighttime can be a very very lonely time.

As I sorted through something to watch, I had heard about the show Dexter and was intrigued by the premise. I watched a few episodes and then put it down as my loneliness had turned to pain and I needed to walk through the house and pray for a few moments to "cast my burden upon Him".  As I prayed, I acknowledged that ultimately, my heart yearns for my TRUE home, heaven, but on this side, I still yearned for companionship.

 

After a few minutes of praying,  I went back to Dexter and an episode entitled "Argentina".

The premise of the episode is that everyone wants a place they can get away from it all, an "Argentina". But the truth is it's not about a place, it's about who we spend our lives with. That is where the sense of being "home" comes from.  I will never forget the quote that Dexter states as the show ends:

"Everyone wants an Argentina, a place where the slate is wiped clean. But the truth is Argentina, is just Argentina. No matter where we go we take ourselves and our damage, with us. So is home the place we run to, or is it the place we run from? Only to hide out in a place where we're accepted, unconditionally, a place that feels more like home to us. Because there, we can finally be who we really are."

 

I began to weep, as I knew God had heard my prayer. Memories of my childhood as well as how I raised my own family began flooding my mind.

 

Growing up, I had never felt "safety" but rather continual fear. I would fear my alcoholic mom killing herself or if my dad was 15 minutes late coming home from work, I would fear he had gotten into a car crash. I can never remember in my childhood feeling at ease or at rest emotionally. 'Home' for me consisted of continual yelling and fighting tension.

 

Likewise with my own wife and children as I got older I had become a perfectionist and put a very heavy burden upon the air that my family lived in.  I sought to be a good dad and husband but realized how I in fact had not given them the thing they needed most: Home, a place of rest and security where they could just be themselves without continual pressure to perform. The world would give them the the pressure to perform for the rest of their lives. My priority should have been to give them what I had not received as a child, a place free from fear and tension, where their hearts could find rest in their parent's  love and protection. Looking back, I wish I had done so much better.

 

But I am thankful for new beginnings and fresh starts, that God does indeed wipe the slate clean and give us another chance.

 

The other day Robin and I were heading back from our daily ritual of catching the beautiful Oklahoma sunsets at the end of each day together, just lying in each others arms by the pool with our little dog beside us, catching up on the day behind us. That day we began to express to one another the things we were most thankful for. She said these words: "I am most thankful for the fact that for the first time in my life since I was a little girl with my daddy, I feel the floor is not going to fall out from under me, that I am with a man that is solid and that I love and who loves me and most of all loves God, and that I can be who I am without judgment. I've never had that." 

 

Those words meant a lot to me. God has given me a second chance to not only be at "home" but to provide home for another. And I intend to give that to everyone I possibly can for the rest of my life.

 

I challenge you, wherever you are in life, whether like me with now grown kids, or wonderfully in your first marriage with little kids, or, maybe even on your fourth marriage (or like the Samaritan woman, going on number seven? :-)..), seek God for a clean slate. Then press into God to first of all find your true hearts home in Jesus. Then give yourself to becoming a safe person for those around you, especially your loved ones. Give them fresh air to breathe and emotional space. Chill out and stop with all the expectations. Refuse to let tension be the tone of your home. Love people exactly where they are and let God do the work of changing them.

 

My prayer for you:

 

"May you to come to know home in the truest way. May your heart find rest in the father's great love. May you give rest as well to those around you, your spouse, your children, your friends. May even the stranger be drawn to the rest and peace in your heart. May you find home and may you give home. In Jesus name, amen." 

 

PB

 

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone

Comments

[jim lafleur]

Wonderful word Bobby